In today’s
society communication technologies can either make or break a relationship.
With so many variations of social media development of meaningful relationships
are at an all-time low. Social media has become integrated into our everyday
lives and it is something we cannot avoid. In our heads different forms of
social media have different meanings to us which creates a sense of disconnect
between individuals. There are so many hidden innuendos because people are
hiding behind their phones on a day to day basis. The communication hierarchy
continues to expand and develop which is making interpersonal relationships far
from personal. Stages of relationship development used to be simple. A
relationship progressed from Facebook to instant messaging to cell phone
conversations. Now there are so many other social media channels which seems
beneficial however; it creates gray areas full of uncertainty. With social
media at an all-time high the hierarchy will continually grow. Facebook, IM,
and texting are only a few of the channels in which we socialize, making
meaningful relationships hard to come by. According to research social media
can help develop relationships, yet, with so many channels of communication and
social media relationships are being ruined. Relationships are developing in completely
different manners. Instead of going out on dates with people there is months of
development through a various social media channels. Not all relationships “are
equal, the frequency of interaction, depth or intimacy of interaction and
strategies people use to facilitate or maintain relationships all vary as a
function of the developmental level of a relationship.” (new media &
society,6) This being said many would argue that having various channels of
social media will help strongly develop relationships but I would have to
disagree. Engaging on multiple social media platforms makes everything more way
more complex, is ruining our relationships with ourselves, and is ruining our
relationships with others.
It is
very hard to break free from habits especially social media habits. Social
media is how we communicate and it is something we cannot avoid no matter how
hard we try. Everyone uses social media differently and social media has different
meanings to everyone. We now have texting, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram,
Snapchat, Skype and so many more places where we can communicate with one
another. Instagram has over 300 million active users monthly. We all know
Instagram as the mobile sharing app where you can post pictures for your
friends, family, etc. However, when we step back and look at the bigger picture
we wonder why people actually post some of the pictures they do. There are many
reasons why people post pictures. Some are looking for instant gratification
and popularity while others are simply posting to share timeless memories. In
some cases there is so much thought that goes behind an Instagram post. Some
people look for that one person to like their photo, getting that double tap
from someone can be seen as a form of flirting. It is really all about how you perceive
your social media habits. This creates a gray area because other people’s
perceptions can be different than yours. For example someone liking your photo
gives you instant gratification, and they think nothing of it. People are spending so much time and effort
on things they post which is not necessarily a true representation of who they
are. Everyone has so much time to think of the right caption, pick the right
picture, and make their post look as good as possible for the most likes. Liking
people’s pictures can be something so harmless but in relationships likes on Instagram
often can cause problems. Instagram seems “specifically about comparison- an
endless competition of who’s life is better” (Sciortino,1) People are always
able to portray their lives in the most polished and appealing way on Instagram.
It is challenging to be happy when you are comparing yourselves with others all
day long. It is hard to ever be “satisfied when, right there on your phone lies
an endless stream of photographic evidence that people are having more fun, and
are more successful, wealthier, skinnier, and more in love than you are.”
(Sciortino,1) This is the reason why so many people are insecure with themselves
which then leads to insecurities in relationships. According to Vogue “the
obsession with comparison can be particularly toxic when it comes to our
romantic lives. It’s not just other couples with compare our love lives to, but
also the love lives of former lovers.” (Sciortino,1) We waste so much time and effort
on comparing our lives to others it is ruining our own interpersonal
relationships. Petra Collins a 21 year old artists says “Instagram is the worst
for relationships it can drive me insane if I let it. Sometimes I go into a
black hole- I hard core lurk whoever I am interested in, to the point where I start
freaking out about who’s photos they are liking or why are they not texting me
back when I can see they are liking photos.” We attach so many rules and
etiquette to social media that it turns to be toxic. Psychologist Daniel
Kahneman says “there are two kinds of contentment, First, there’s the day-to-day type of happiness—a measure of how good
you feel, and what your mood is like on a moment-to-moment basis as you go
through life. And then there’s a more reflective type of happiness, which is a
measure of how satisfied you are with your place in the world and what you’ve
achieved, when you really stop to think about it. These two things are not
always in sync.” Looking at other people’s amazing lives on Instagram can
make you step back and question your own life. You could be completely content
with where you are in life but by simply seeing someone else’s post you start
to question yourself. Instagram put an amazing amount of pressure on us to make
our lives look “picture perfect.” We can easily avoid this feeling yet for some
reason many of us choose not to. Since Instagram has been so prominent in our
lives we do not see it as being toxic to our relationships. If you were to
delete Instagram you would feel completely lost and out of the loop. Some are
hiding behind these false realities of who they aspire to be, which is not
making relationship development and communication patterns any better. Societal
norms such as having an Instagram account are making it challenging to maintain
and develop relationships because they cause social anxiety which then turns
into insecurities.
Communication technologies are “widely used to manage
interpersonal relationships” (new media & society,1) However, I believe
they are adding layers of complexity and confusion making it hard for people to
become committed. We are “letting technology and social media take us to places
where we don’t want to go, these psychological devices do not only change what
we do but who we are.” (TED our digital lives) We are constantly turning to our
phones which give us no time for self-reflection. When you finally get that
moment of free time you most likely feel the need to check to see what everyone
else is doing on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and Twitter. You are never
having that alone time with yourself which creates problems when you are trying
to develop relationships with others. Sherry Turkle defines the idea of being
alone together saying “people want to be with each other, but also elsewhere connected
to all the different places they want to be, people want to customize their
lives.” (TED our digital lives) Social media allows for people have
conversations, post pictures, and create captions that are exactly the way they
want them to be. The whole aspect of real time is becoming nonexistent because
people are fearful to have face to face relationships. Using social media you
have control over exactly what you are going to say, you can edit and make
changes. Real human relationships are “rich, messy, and demanding and we clean
them up with technology.” (TED our digital lives) Social media does not truly
help you understand someone because we are sacrificing organic in person
conversation. We use “conversation with each other to learn how to have
conversation with ourselves.” (TED our digital lives) We never have time to
self-reflect because of social media which is making real meaningful
relationships hard to come by. We are starting to expect “more from technology
and less from each other because technology appeals to us where we are most
vulnerable. We are lonely and afraid of intimacy.” (TED our digital lives)
Solitude is “where you find yourself so you can reach out to others and make
attachments, always being connected makes up feel less alone. If we do not know
how to be alone we will be even lonelier” (TED our digital lives) we need to re-vamp
how we use social media, cell phone conversations should not be known and “intrusive
and intimate.” As a society we are letting cell phones become toxic because
even when we are disconnected we are wondering what we are missing out on. Social
media should be used to enhance our relationships not hurt them because many
are starting to be introverted. We need to be content and happy with ourselves and
not let media shape the way we form relationships.
For a great TED Talk check out our digital lives!
"New Media & Society." New Media & Society. N.p., n.d. Web. 09 May 2016.
"Our Digital Lives: 12 TED Talks." Our Digital Lives. N.p., n.d. Web. 09 May 2016.
Sciortino, Karley. "Is Instagram Ruining Your Love Life?" Vogue. N.p., 04 June 2014. Web. 09 May 2016.
Sciortino, Karley. "Is Instagram Ruining Your Love Life?" Vogue. N.p., 04 June 2014. Web. 09 May 2016.
Spira, Julie. "Does Social Media Ruin Relationships?" The Huffington Post. TheHuffingtonPost.com, n.d. Web. 09 May 2016.
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